Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Scars ... grudges ... and chicken

How long does it take for the scars of abuse to disappear? Do they ever go away? Whether it is child abuse, spouse abuse, or even strangers’ abuse, being in an abusive relation or witnessing abusive relationships seem to leave a permanent scar even if that scar is only obvious in one’s lack of inner strength, strength that usually enables us to deal with our shortcomings once we know their roots. Someone dear to me once told me I’m an adult now and should stop using childhood trauma (the term might be an exaggeration here) to justify my adult weaknesses. That person must have a deep reservoir of inner strength. I’m glad they do. But I don’t.

I am one to hold grudges. Even when I try not to, I can’t seem to help it. I have a really bad memory but when someone hurts me I can’t seem to forget. Maybe I forgive, but I almost never forget. Could that be why I don’t remember much from my childhood other than the times I was hurt? My only memory of the book fair that is held in Kuwait every year, and that I am sure was a yearly pilgrimage of my family, is of a dirty old man harassing me. I was fourteen back in the days when fourteen year old girls were actually girls. Or maybe I was just too buried in my sleazy romance novels to notice my bodily desires :). Up to this day I do not enjoy a trip to the book fair as much as I would want to. I even remember what I was wearing that day. Me. The one who wouldn’t remember what she ate for lunch yesterday or what she was wearing for work this morning.

People who lose their temper scare me. They actually scare me no matter how big or small they are. They scare me even when I know they have no intention of harming me. They scare me even when I know they can't hurt me. They scare me simply by heading towards me while they're angry. It's an instant irrational flash of fear that is/can not be explained or even contemplated. A very short glipse into darkness that is quickly chased away by my rationality. But chased away or not, it existed. For that blink of an eye it existed. Before my mind could register it my feelings took hold of it.
How chicken am I?

14 comments:

Jacqui said...

Honestly?


Not a coward at all, many people out there have an experience or two, a feeling or two that they themselves call cowardness. The truth of the matter is that they are not, you are not a coward.

I had a freaky childhood myself, one which I won't go into details about but let's just say mother-daughter memories aren't sweet at all, my mind chose to block those memories, hence in reality I can't remember stuff, but I don't see myself as a coward, well not yet.

Main point that I'm saying, you're no chicken, and no coward.

Jan6a said...

I can so relate to this post.

I've blocked out childhood/early teen incidents for so long, its like they never happened. But then 9IKA777 somethin triggers it and it all comes back. The thing is the memory of it is so vivid its scary. It funny cuz the first flashback I got was 6-8 years after the incident? Meaning I've blocked it for so long that when it all came back shakait ib 3umry, did this actually happen? That kinda thing.

In my case I just had to face the fact that it did and live with it.

LaiaLy_q8 said...

i remember some poeple, Vaguely, if they had hurt me but not all the time
i think the only way to enjoy life is to look pass those who have hurt you and just move on
i can't hold a grudge
is there something wrong with me?

nazzal said...

a small detour ;
when i witness all this bad news of everyday which overwhelms the good ones ....
it really scares the hell out of me for tomorrow :(

3baid said...

I don't see anything strange about this. I think I'll always have a bit of childhood in me.

Grudges aren't easy to forget especially if it hurt :/

I pity those with short tempers. I can see them dying of a heart attack or something @_@

Shurouq said...

You can't be chicken, you're my rock!

People who lose their temper are the most vulnerable, Hanan.

Love you :*

AyyA said...

Hanan
If people who loose temper scare you, what do you say about someone who gets scared to a point where he can’t talk when someone raises his/her voice? Yep, that’s me. But I am strong, I’m no chicken. El3aib feehom.
And about childhood bad experiences; your memory can never get rid of them, but with time you’ll learn how to live with them

Anonymous said...

You feel bad when you remember someone that abused you? How about seeing that someone almost everyday, and he smiles at your face thinking that you're too young to remember? How about seeing him abuse others -people that you hate, but are related to you. Family members. Oh, and he's a family member, too.
I think I might be a chicken as well. But he's not even chicken crap for me. I know he's too pathetic, I know he hates himself, and I know he thinks he's some sort of God that can destroy others like a sculpturor would destroy what he's working on when he get's sick of working on it.
Believe me, no matter where he is, be assure that he's not happy at all.

What's wrong with being a chikcen?
(I just watched Chicken Little last night with friends. We were like, the only adults there.) Chickens have humor. They lay eggs, very useful and nourishing. And their flu is fatal. Chin up, chicken. You're not alone.

Swair. said...

nope, not a coward...

Alia said...

one thing to say: childhood memories (traumas) sure affect your life as an adult & you can't just separate this from that.

besides, If you're chicken, what em I ???

A3sab said...

shurouq is right, i lose my temper a lot and when i do i feel most vulnerable

ZinZinQ8 said...

This post is very touching. My dear, any of us, self included, who was raised in a very sheltered atmosphere cannot handle someone being angry. When your parents and other close family members treat you gently, you are unaccostomed to rage and you assume it must be something really dangerous thats about to happen cuz there aint no way someone is gonna be that pissed off for a small reason. Ana ham chithee. Nothing cowardly habeebty. Just be grateful that for most of our lives we were protected from this. ilhimdilla...

McArabian said...

I've past by this post several times and I still don't know how to react to it. To answer your question: it really depends on the person. Some people recover really quickly, while others never seem to recover.

As for anger: most people who are short tempered are all bark and no bite. It's those who are slow to anger that you should watch out for.

Hanan said...

jackie. thanks luv.

jan6a. mine don't need to be triggered. :)

laialy. nothing wrong with you dear.

nazzal :(

3baid. 7aram. i don't want then dying from a heart attack.

shuroq. rock? it's a cover babe.

ayya. yeah i guess times takes care of all.

anon. yay. i'm chicken and proud

swair. maybe

alia. :) i guess chickenhood runs in the family

3sab. i know. but that doesn't make it easier to deal with tempers.

zinzinq. i am grateful

mcarabian. a barking dog is still scary even if it can't bike