Saturday, May 07, 2005
It's 7:30. I'm getting ready to leave, and X sends an msn message. Now I haven't talked to X in ages (ages is a relative term of course, it could be one hour or 10 years, depending on the person), but I have to go. Sarah is waiting on stage, N and B in the car. How can I dismiss someone I haven't talked to for that long? Can't I give them at least 5 minutes. Sarah would still be there and N and B won't mind waiting too much. Except of course, I wanna go out and have fun and I'm worried that a conversation longer than 'hi how are you gotta go' might ruin the experience for me. I tend to obsess over my friends. I don't show it, I almost never show my true feelings. Some call me cold, some pure rude, some a snob. I think what it is is that I don't have enough confidence to say and do what I would want to say and do. Of course this might just be an excuse for someone who is really just cold, rude, and a snob. A cold-hearted bitch.
So I tell X I gotta go. I'm heading to enjoy Sarah but I know even before that msn message that I won't be in the right mood. So when she appears on stage to do a duo with The Perishers, I don't cheer with the rest, I don't see it in me, again obsessing about losing a friend. The Perishers retire and I think what I need to get in the mood is a glass of Chardonnay (sp?), and that does help a little. When Sarah says Am I faithful am I strong, I finally kick it with her, regardless of the fact that I am neither faithful nor strong. Now is it the wine or does that song actually speaks my mind? 'All your expectations bury me':
>>All my insecurities
>>Try to own my destiny
>>But I can make or break it if I choose
>>You take my words and twist them around
>>Till I'm the one who brings you down
>>Make me feel like I'm the one to blame
>>For all this
Does Sarah know me that well? And then she says:
>>I have to take myself away from you
>>Cause I can't compete
>>I can't deny
>>There's nothing that I hadn't tried
>>How did I go so wrong in loving you?
And I immediately want to sms X those words. What stops me, what stops me every single time I think I should let go, is fear of letting go. I don't wanna lose X for good.
If you know you're causing pain to someone close, if you know that your words of comfort are bringing them down, if you know they're better off without your cold-hearted friendship, do you let go?
The truth is I am neither faithful nor strong enough to do that.